Against the Grain.

As you can probably tell, the overarching theme of my life right now is "Healthier".  Or at least, the prequel to "Healthier."  Since coming to England, I've gained 30 pounds (well, that started a few months before getting here), joined weight watchers (again), lost 20, quit doing weight watchers because I hate counting, stalled in my weight loss, gotten really sick and lost 10 more pounds, then gained 20 back.  The other week I was considering going back to weight watchers (for the... 4th time), because, well, it works.  If you do it.  But I HATE doing it.  I hate counting.  The restrictions wear on me.  I know that.  Diets in general don't work with me.  I get really pumped up for it, or for the newest workout routine that I've decided will be the one to help me suck in the baby belly.  Then a week or two later, it grows old, my motivation putters out, and I'm left with a box of dvd's (helloooo P90X) and several cookbooks sitting on my counter collecting dust.  And though Weight Watchers and P90X both tote the Lifestyle Change motto, it just doesn't work.  For me.  My problem is not that I don't know what to do.  It's that, deep down, I just don't want to.  Do I want to lose the weight?  Sure.  Do I want my clothes to fit better (including the two bridesmaids dresses that are looming in my future)?  You bet.  But do I want to keep a food journal? Nope.  Do I want to bust my butt for an hour a day to lose weight that will bounce its way right back to my butt as soon as I stop?  Nope.

My problem is not lack of knowledge.  It goes deeper.  The book that I mentioned in the previous post goes into why you eat, not what you eat.  It's been eye-opening.  She goes on about reaching a healthy weight, one you can maintain without feeling destined for failure if you ever let up and relax.  One that you can feel happy about, feel happy in.  How losing 50 pounds is not going to make you happier, more relaxed, more patient.  It will just make you a thinner person who is still sad, still angry, still impatient and still searching.  I absolutely know that I did not gain weight because I ate fries.  I gained weight because I ate fries when I wasn't hungry.  Just the other day, the kids were going nuts, which meant that I was going nuts.  I turned on a show for them, stomped into the kitchen, grabbed a box of crackers and a chunk of cheese and went to town.  As I was cutting and topping and stuffing, I was thinking to myself "Laura, you aren't hungry.  Put the box down."  And that was the followed quickly by "SHUT THE HELL UP! DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S QUIET TIME!" and another cracker.

My problem isn't food.  It's why I eat it.

For the last week, I've been trying to be really conscious of why I eat.  If I am not hungry, I don't eat.  Even if it's that time when I usually have a snack.  Or even lunch.  If I'm not hungry, I'll skip lunch and eat a smaller meal later on.  And when I do sit down, I try to pay close attention to when my hand starts moving on auto-pilot.  That's usually a sign that I am full.  Of course, I don't have the luxury of eating slowly, but that doesn't mean that I need to gorge myself.  I just eat half, clean up the kids lunches, getting them settled, then revisit.  Do I need to finish this? And if the answer is yes... then I do.  I eat it all.  The whole thing.  Because if you trust your body, it will gently guide you to your weight.  No rules, no timelines.  Just trust.

Five pounds down.  Plenty more to go.  But hopefully I will shed more than just pounds on this journey. Hopefully I will also lose some baggage that I wasn't even aware I was holding on to.  Hopefully I will lose the need to quiet the storm in my house with a few (large) mouth-fulls of food.

Read.

Food is not the enemy.
Your body is not the enemy.

Learn to love both.  Learn to respect both.    This is my struggle.

But, I've stumbled across a great book, and if the idea intrigues you, I think you should check it out!

Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth.

Full disclosure, I'm only a few chapters in.  But I love how she writes and already the book has made me question the reasons why I grab a box of crackers and a chunk of (oh so delicious) cheese and have at it.  Is it the chaos in the house?  Is it hunger?  Is it boredom?  I'm sick of having to think so much when it comes to food.  Food should be loved, it should be delicious, it should be made with real ingredients.  I want to make it become a part of my life, not what my life stops and stutters around, always glancing back to see if the choices I made were correct.  I'm done counting.  I'm done weighing.  I eat when I'm hungry.  I stop when I'm not.  

A new find.

I just stumbled across this blog, and it's had me sitting here, scrolling through the back-logs of posts, reading about this woman's journey of weight loss and finding her happy self, without the back-breaking sweat and toil of the gym, and the disheartening view of all things food related.  Please, go, browse.  Check out her weight loss journey, and her views on exercise.  Currently, I am running every day in an effort to train for a 25k, but it is not something that I will be doing for the rest of my days.  It's not 'an escape' for me, it's a goal I set because I knew it would be hard.  And it's been too long since I've pushed through and finished something, so I wanted whatever it was to be BIG.  To be SOMETHING.  To be a moment in my life that I (and my husband and my kids) can be proud of.  Because it doesn't come easily or naturally.  I hate it.  But I'm doing it.  For now.

Go, read, and be merry.

A change.

I'm not even sure how long it's been since I've written anything.  I'm happy to report that it's not because I have nothing to write about, but because in fact I am too busy to write! What a great change!

I was thinking tonight, though, that I miss all that blogging holds with it.  I miss being able to sit down and write a summary (that's longer than a facebook status) about what my life is doing right now, knowing that family near and far (well, mostly far) will be able to read and keep up with our ever-moving lives.

I think, from now on, this blog will be a combined effort from my other (failed) attempts.  I want to include snippets of our lives, yes, but also recipes, and perhaps an encouraging word or two.

So, I suppose, I'm back.  For now.

Persephone's Return.

My parents visited not too long ago.  It had been  7 months since we had seen each other, and in terms of the kids, that's a big chunk of time.  I can't describe how wonderful it was to have them here, to have a little piece of home living in the house, playing with the kids, seeing my life here.  There were moments when my heart would grow heavy, when the realization of what we were missing by living an ocean apart from our families struck me with subtle but powerful blows.  To be completely honest, I don't get home-sick much.  I've put down roots here, and it's not often that I look back to the States with remorse.  I think it's the lifestyle that we've found here; the slower life with less things, less chaos.  It suits all of us so much better than the fast, big life that is so common in America.  But having my parents here, it reminded me of things that are easy to forget when we are so far removed.  And it was a lovely reminder, and a painful one as they left.

But, while they were here, my wonderful mother got her hands dirty with me as we started a little fledgling garden.  We went over the basics, with the promise that she was just a skype-call away should I need help. Since she has left, most of the seeds we planted in little cups in the house have sprouted, each injecting me with a fierce pride that (even though it wasn't all that hard) my hands grew something, something that will sustain (even if only a little) my family when it matures.  I think the day when I pick the first fruit or veg that is ready for eating (because honestly, I have no idea which to expect first)... THAT will be a good day.  I think it may line up with the day I picked Paul up from the airport after his deployment, when my heart was screaming i love you i love you, but my head was screaming i did it i did it.

With the life that is springing up on my kitchen windowsills, so it is outside.  The weather is turning for the better, wrapping us in gentle breezes and warm sun, intoxicating us with the smell of the earth waking up.  The kids and I are shedding our winter skins, which were starting to rub at us all, being stuck inside with each other.  I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the rains to come back, for the wind to resume it's gusting, but I'm trying to live in the moment, enjoying this glimpse of spring.