I apologize for being such a Negative Nancy in my last post. It's always a bad thing when I log into my blog after a hard day, because things spill out and the filter is almost nonexistent. And when you combine hard days with self-pity... well, you get the last post. So again, I apologize.
So, all whining aside, things have been... good? Normal. I think normal is a better word. No doubt I have had some great moments with the kids, lots of giggles and tickles and running and dancing. The snot is diminishing (except in me... of course), and therefore normalcy is returning to the house. I have a feeling that some (by no means all) of Alex's outbursts were due to her feeling under the weather, so things have gotten better. Either that or my tolerance has just gotten stronger. I do tend to laugh when the tantrums begin, only because they are so outrageous. I think that Alex has finally caught on that the kicking/screaming/slamming head on ground thing won't work. And for me, the only thing that does seem to work is ignoring. Time-outs are a bust, because they turn into a FANTASTIC game of cat and mouse, and Alex is fighting fits of giggles the whole time, which in turn makes me laugh. Really ruins the discipline aspect of the whole ordeal.
Eli is feeling better as well, and therefore giving me a bit more sleep at night. We had one awful awful night, where I was up with him until 3, and then finally fell asleep on the couch for about 2 hours (because the walk back to my bed was just becoming depressing because I knew it wouldn't last for very long), and then back up at 5, only to have him fall asleep on me around 6. Then of course Alex was up at 7. So, hard night. But, strangely enough, now that I am far removed from that night, I am really thankful for it. It led to pure exhaustion for me the next night. Because of that, alot of Eli's crying was being incorporated into my dreams. I wasn't getting up when cried, and he'd eventually put himself back to sleep. I've been wanting to let him 'cry it out' for a while now, but I am so SCARED that his crying will wake up Alex that I jump up at the sound of the first sniffle. Well, that night, he cried, and I slept (some), and since then, I've been ok letting him cry here and there, and he's been putting himself back to sleep. Fast forward to last night, and he only got up once. Huge success. So I feel like we are on the road to better days, and better nights. All good things.
This week has been long, and I know the reason, which doesn't make it any easier. My mom is flying in on Saturday, and the anticipation is so much that the days seem to creep by at such an infuriatingly slow pace that I want to run around pulling my hair out. I am so ready to have some live-in help, and you know what, a HUG. I am so excited to be on a receiving end of a HUG. The loneliness is still the hardest part of this, and I am beginning to think that that will be true for the next 2.5 months.
Well, I hear the little one stirring upstairs. I hope I successfully conveyed that there are GOOD things happening in this house right alongside the hard parts. It's easy to focus on the hard parts... but life is easier when you choose otherwise. And so that's what I do. :)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Trial(s) and Error(s).
These past few weeks have been a struggle. When Paul left, it was hard, and when my mom, it was hard, but then I thought I found my groove. The days were passing quickly, the nights, not so much. But I was dealing, I was handling it.
Lately, though, it's been rough. To put it lightly, I really truly think that this feeling, this feeling that is so overwhelming that I feel as if I am drowning every so often? ... it's my sanity, slowly ebbing away. I get so. frustrated. I am tired. It's so hard not having a companion in this. We have been stuck inside the house because of the weather, and now because we all have colds (A. GAIN. Please, PLEASE don't take your kids to community play areas if they are sick.). I know once the weather takes a turn for the better, and once we are done with all of these various illnesses that keep springing up, I know it will get easier. But it's hard to see that far into the future. In any case, I try not to look ahead either way, because when I do, all I see is that I have to turn the page on my (very awesome Where's Waldo) calendar THREE TIMES before I get to the big box that says "PAUL'S HOME." And then my stomach starts knotting up and my head gets all woozy. So, I try to stay right here in the present, taking it one day at a time. I live for nap times and bed times. All day I am saying to myself, 'just make it to naptime,' or 'just make it to bedtime.' I suppose if that's what I have to do, then I will buckle down and do it.
One of the aspects that is the hardest for me right now is Alex. She is still a few weeks (!!!) shy of being 2, but she has started her 'terrible twos' early. She is testing every boundary, pushing every button, climbing every piece of furniture (and as of this morning, her brother! riding him like a horse!). And she does it all with a smile on her face (although, if I am being honest, I believe the way I explained it to my mother was a 'shit-eating grin'. It's the kind of smile that makes your insides curl). All I can do is just fight the temptation to lock her in her room and wonder where, oh where, my adorable little Alex went. Because this? This is not my daughter. Some thing has come and taken root in her body. She wakes up at 6 in the morning demanding to watch a show (like we've done that before), or starts yelling because she wants to play with my camera (which she has never been allowed to touch, so I am not sure why she is feeling entitled now). And if I don't give in (which I don't), she literally THROWS herself on the floor, and stomps and hits, and screams, and wails, and kicks. And if I move to another room? She'll get up and follow me and then do it all over again. Eli is much better at handling it than I am. He just sits and stares at her with a very curious look on his face, like he is trying to figure out what it is that mommy did that was so horrible to cause this. Because of this, nap time has been hit or miss. The other day she refused to go down, even though she couldn't stop yawning and couldn't keep her eyes open. I pulled out the big guns and put in a Baby Einstein movie. I looked over about 5 minutes later and she was doing that head-bob that is so common on airplanes as people try to sleep sitting up. I laid her down and she took a nap in someplace other than her bed for the first time in her life. I couldn't believe it.
She looks so peaceful, no? Hard to believe the turn we've taken, but I've heard that it ends eventually, and they return to their normal selves. I'm ready for that now, please.
Lately, though, it's been rough. To put it lightly, I really truly think that this feeling, this feeling that is so overwhelming that I feel as if I am drowning every so often? ... it's my sanity, slowly ebbing away. I get so. frustrated. I am tired. It's so hard not having a companion in this. We have been stuck inside the house because of the weather, and now because we all have colds (A. GAIN. Please, PLEASE don't take your kids to community play areas if they are sick.). I know once the weather takes a turn for the better, and once we are done with all of these various illnesses that keep springing up, I know it will get easier. But it's hard to see that far into the future. In any case, I try not to look ahead either way, because when I do, all I see is that I have to turn the page on my (very awesome Where's Waldo) calendar THREE TIMES before I get to the big box that says "PAUL'S HOME." And then my stomach starts knotting up and my head gets all woozy. So, I try to stay right here in the present, taking it one day at a time. I live for nap times and bed times. All day I am saying to myself, 'just make it to naptime,' or 'just make it to bedtime.' I suppose if that's what I have to do, then I will buckle down and do it.
One of the aspects that is the hardest for me right now is Alex. She is still a few weeks (!!!) shy of being 2, but she has started her 'terrible twos' early. She is testing every boundary, pushing every button, climbing every piece of furniture (and as of this morning, her brother! riding him like a horse!). And she does it all with a smile on her face (although, if I am being honest, I believe the way I explained it to my mother was a 'shit-eating grin'. It's the kind of smile that makes your insides curl). All I can do is just fight the temptation to lock her in her room and wonder where, oh where, my adorable little Alex went. Because this? This is not my daughter. Some thing has come and taken root in her body. She wakes up at 6 in the morning demanding to watch a show (like we've done that before), or starts yelling because she wants to play with my camera (which she has never been allowed to touch, so I am not sure why she is feeling entitled now). And if I don't give in (which I don't), she literally THROWS herself on the floor, and stomps and hits, and screams, and wails, and kicks. And if I move to another room? She'll get up and follow me and then do it all over again. Eli is much better at handling it than I am. He just sits and stares at her with a very curious look on his face, like he is trying to figure out what it is that mommy did that was so horrible to cause this. Because of this, nap time has been hit or miss. The other day she refused to go down, even though she couldn't stop yawning and couldn't keep her eyes open. I pulled out the big guns and put in a Baby Einstein movie. I looked over about 5 minutes later and she was doing that head-bob that is so common on airplanes as people try to sleep sitting up. I laid her down and she took a nap in someplace other than her bed for the first time in her life. I couldn't believe it.
She looks so peaceful, no? Hard to believe the turn we've taken, but I've heard that it ends eventually, and they return to their normal selves. I'm ready for that now, please.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
When the cat's away, the mice will play... er... redecorate!
Obviously my life has been full of changes lately. Some which I took on with a smile (or grimace... depending on the circumstances) on my face, and some which I kicked and screamed about until they finally hit me in the face with a force that usually took my breath away.
Lately, however, I have been DECIDING to change things, which makes it so much easier to handle. Because my hubby is 9 time zones away at the moment, I figure he has given up his right to have an opinion on what goes on in this house in terms of decorating. Up until now, I've been a good companion, and took his opinions seriously and attempted to incorporate both of our tastes in this house that we currently call 'home'. But now... that's all done with. I figure one of the perks for me right now is getting to do whatever I want and if Paul has a problem with it, I just very nicely say, "I'm locked in a house with your two children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." And then I assume his silence is meant to be an ecstatic agreement concerning the drapes that I want to hang.So.... some changes have been made! It's been nice to be able to get a little sweaty... ok... alot sweaty, and do some manual labor that doesn't include diapers or bath time or stair climbing. I think because Paul is not here, I have been much more efficient at just getting things done. I don't have the option to have him do it, you know, whenever he gets around to it. So I just... do it.First, I hung some curtains in our kitchen window, which I have been meaning to do since we got our windows redone, I don't know, almost a year ago. I bought a roman shade from World Market. It came with some hardware that needed to be attached to the wall first, so I began searching for the drill, which I've never used before. Two days later, when I still couldn't find it (and had come to the conclusion that Paul had hid it on purpose for THIS EXACT REASON), I attempted to attach the hardware using nothing but brute strength... oh and a screwdriver. After getting one of the screws almost all the way in (and almost sweating through my shirt in the process), I decided I should try to find the drill just one more time. I found it stashed away in the garage, behind a sheet, under a table, and hidden by a box. HA. So I clamored once more onto the countertop and began drilling, and very soon afterward began dropping screws all over the place and making huge divots in the dry-wall. BUT. I was successful eventually, and now I don't have to worried about the houses behind us spying on me at night.
I am going to be adding side panels to either side of the valance to even it out. The next size up would have been to big to fit in the window, so I had to get creative.
Next up, our big window in our living room. I've had some drapes on there for a while, but because of the awkward size of the window, they don't quite cover the whole thing. I would have to make my own drapes in order to do that, and, well... that's laughable at this point. So, I purchased some extra drapes to throw on there, and wouldn't you know, they were hung the same day (something that would not have happened 2 months ago...).
The original plan for the house was that wall would be painted... I don't know what color... but something fun. It never happened, but I like to sit and imagine that there is some wonderfully brilliant color staring back at me when I look at this window.
And lastly, I hung a light that was previously in my daughter's room downstairs over our couch. I have been complaining for quite some time that the lighting down there was more like spot-lights than mood-lighting, and now I've finally done something about it. (and this picture was taken via webcam because my camera died as I was pressing the button to take a picture of it.)
Also, changed my hair. I was brave and chopped most of it off, and and the last minute, decided to add a bit of color. This is what it looked like after I got it done...
And this is what it looks like after I shower and sleep on it (which can also be read: what it will look like from now on).
I'm happy with what I have done. Both to the house and myself. It feels good to have some change that I've brought on myself.
(in other news... one month down!)
Lately, however, I have been DECIDING to change things, which makes it so much easier to handle. Because my hubby is 9 time zones away at the moment, I figure he has given up his right to have an opinion on what goes on in this house in terms of decorating. Up until now, I've been a good companion, and took his opinions seriously and attempted to incorporate both of our tastes in this house that we currently call 'home'. But now... that's all done with. I figure one of the perks for me right now is getting to do whatever I want and if Paul has a problem with it, I just very nicely say, "I'm locked in a house with your two children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." And then I assume his silence is meant to be an ecstatic agreement concerning the drapes that I want to hang.So.... some changes have been made! It's been nice to be able to get a little sweaty... ok... alot sweaty, and do some manual labor that doesn't include diapers or bath time or stair climbing. I think because Paul is not here, I have been much more efficient at just getting things done. I don't have the option to have him do it, you know, whenever he gets around to it. So I just... do it.First, I hung some curtains in our kitchen window, which I have been meaning to do since we got our windows redone, I don't know, almost a year ago. I bought a roman shade from World Market. It came with some hardware that needed to be attached to the wall first, so I began searching for the drill, which I've never used before. Two days later, when I still couldn't find it (and had come to the conclusion that Paul had hid it on purpose for THIS EXACT REASON), I attempted to attach the hardware using nothing but brute strength... oh and a screwdriver. After getting one of the screws almost all the way in (and almost sweating through my shirt in the process), I decided I should try to find the drill just one more time. I found it stashed away in the garage, behind a sheet, under a table, and hidden by a box. HA. So I clamored once more onto the countertop and began drilling, and very soon afterward began dropping screws all over the place and making huge divots in the dry-wall. BUT. I was successful eventually, and now I don't have to worried about the houses behind us spying on me at night.
I am going to be adding side panels to either side of the valance to even it out. The next size up would have been to big to fit in the window, so I had to get creative.
Next up, our big window in our living room. I've had some drapes on there for a while, but because of the awkward size of the window, they don't quite cover the whole thing. I would have to make my own drapes in order to do that, and, well... that's laughable at this point. So, I purchased some extra drapes to throw on there, and wouldn't you know, they were hung the same day (something that would not have happened 2 months ago...).
The original plan for the house was that wall would be painted... I don't know what color... but something fun. It never happened, but I like to sit and imagine that there is some wonderfully brilliant color staring back at me when I look at this window.
And lastly, I hung a light that was previously in my daughter's room downstairs over our couch. I have been complaining for quite some time that the lighting down there was more like spot-lights than mood-lighting, and now I've finally done something about it. (and this picture was taken via webcam because my camera died as I was pressing the button to take a picture of it.)
Also, changed my hair. I was brave and chopped most of it off, and and the last minute, decided to add a bit of color. This is what it looked like after I got it done...
And this is what it looks like after I shower and sleep on it (which can also be read: what it will look like from now on).
I'm happy with what I have done. Both to the house and myself. It feels good to have some change that I've brought on myself.
(in other news... one month down!)
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