In which my son pees in his own ear.

Other titles considered for this post:
In which I get no sleep.
In which my boobs triple in size overnight.

Hello internet!

Sorry for the delay. I have been taking a hiatus from the world for the past almost-week, choosing to handle only those things that were necessary, most of which concerned diapers and boobs and sleep (kinda) and pain meds. I haven't felt like interneting, or phone-talking, or going-outing, or interacting at all, and I figured I had a good enough excuse to forgo all of those things. So thanks for being patient.

God. Is. So. Good.

I have been blown away each day. I've sunk myself into the role of motherhood like never before, taking everything in and wondering how I've come to be so lucky. I look at these two children of mine, and my ever-loving and ever-present husband and just smile. We are so blessed.

So let's start at the beginning. I think this post will mostly be just the birth story. I am not sure if there will be many pictures, but those will come in time.

Monday night, 8:00 pm: Contractions start. They are about 8 minutes apart, not really painful at all. I don't think much of it because this has happened several times already and I don't want to get my hopes up.

10:00 pm: Contractions still coming every 8 minutes. Starting to get uncomfortable. Notice that I am bleeding when I go to the bathroom. Call doctor, who tells me to head in.

10:30 pm: Finish packing up the house, the dog, the child, and head to babysitters. Would have taken pictures, but needed both hands to hold bucket because I am this close to vomiting. Having hot flashes. Yep, this is it.

11:30 pm: Make it to hospital. Get checked in (NOT admitted to Labor and Delivery yet). Get asked about 200 questions concerning the medical history of my entire family. Started to have to breathe through my contractions.

11:50 pm: Told to walk around the hospital for an hour to see if I make any progress. While walking, contractions go down to 5 minutes apart, and each one makes me hold on to the wall and cringe and sway and breathe and curse.

12:50 am: Get checked by nurse with shortest fingers in the entire world. Ouch. She says I have not made any progress. She goes to call my doctor. I continue to pant and breathe and sway and curse.

1:30 am: Get asked a bunch of questions by a nurse who was the most intimidating woman I have ever met. Wet pants a little.

2:30 am: Am told I am being SENT HOME. They say it's because my doctor told them to send me home (but find out later it's because they have no rooms. Doc had told them to admit me). I immediately begin to cry. I beg and beg and plead and pant and breathe and curse and beg some more. They shake their heads and tell me to get dressed. I weep.

3:00 am: Arrive home. Crawl in bed. Weep.

3:05 am: Cringe, weep, breathe, curse.

3:10 am: Cringe, weep, breathe, weep, hit husband, curse.

3:15 am: Weep, curse, hit husband, assume fetal position, weep.

3:20 am: Curse, curse, curse, cringe, hit husband, weep.

3:30 am: Get in car and head back to hospital.

4:00 am: Arrive at hospital. Must answer all 200 questions again. Cringe, curse, sway, breathe, cringe. Curse.

4:30 am: Nurse arrives in room, tells me that they are sending me home. I begin to weep. Nurse then says, "Just kidding!" then starts laughing. I take nurse by the ponytail and slam her head into the wall... in my head.

5:00 am: Get IV number one. Botched. Hand is swollen and bright blue now. Ouch. Get IV number two without a problem and while being wheeled over to Labor and Delivery, beg for epidural right away.

6:00 am: No epidural yet. Lots of cursing. Lots of pain. Lots of 'bathroom breaks' with lots of cursing.

7:00 am: No epidural yet.

8:00 am: No epidural yet.

8:30 am: Oh blessed anaesthesiologist! Begin to get the epidural. Assume the position: Sitting up, hunched forward, holding husbands hands. Get initial numbing shot. Not a big deal, a little burning. Nurse then puts the 'big one' in. Can feel it, but it's more uncomfortable than painful. ZING! Nurse hits nerve, tailbone erupts. I yelp, tears come to eyes. Contraction. More tears. Nurse tries to move needle. ZING! Left side erupts. I cry out, begin to weep. Nurse tells me to tell her where it hurts. I yell something. Contraction. Weep. Nurse moves needle. ZING! Right side erupts. I weep. Hysterically. Contraction. Nurse tries to get me to breathe with her. I'm gone. I'm hysterical. The pain, the exhaustion, the weeks of building emotions. There's no stopping this. Weep weep weep. ZING ZING ZING! My whole spine is on fire. Contraction. I hear HEE HEE HOOOO HEE HEE HOOOOO as my nurse tries to get me to breathe through the pain. I feel wet rags being dragged across my face, clearing the snot that is rushing out of my nose. I'm told not to move. Contraction. ZING! HEE HEE HOOOOO.

8:45 am: Needle comes out. I pant and weep and open my eyes for the first time in 15 minutes. Shaking. Paul looking at me with a face I've never seen him wear. Later he tells me that that's the worst he's ever felt in his life. I apologize profusely to the nurse and to my husband. Legs start to tingle.

9:00 am: Sleep.

10:30 am: Wake up because I feel something. PRESSURE. Oh my gosh. Page nurse.

10:35 am: They call my doctor. Am told I have to wait for him to push.

11:00 am: Vomit. Several times.

11:20 am: Doc walks in, gets suited up. Tells me to push. Push. Push. Push. Push. And out he came. Four pushes.

I hate the first nine months. I dislike the following six weeks. But those moments when I am pushing and then when I see these babies for the first time... those are the most awesome moments of my life. I would do it a thousand times if I could.


I'll update again soon. But for now, Eli is sleeping, Alex is sleeping, and something tells me that I should be doing the same. :) I promise to get some pictures up as soon as I can.