Trial(s) and Error(s).

These past few weeks have been a struggle. When Paul left, it was hard, and when my mom, it was hard, but then I thought I found my groove. The days were passing quickly, the nights, not so much. But I was dealing, I was handling it.
Lately, though, it's been rough. To put it lightly, I really truly think that this feeling, this feeling that is so overwhelming that I feel as if I am drowning every so often? ... it's my sanity, slowly ebbing away. I get so. frustrated. I am tired. It's so hard not having a companion in this. We have been stuck inside the house because of the weather, and now because we all have colds (A. GAIN. Please, PLEASE don't take your kids to community play areas if they are sick.). I know once the weather takes a turn for the better, and once we are done with all of these various illnesses that keep springing up, I know it will get easier. But it's hard to see that far into the future. In any case, I try not to look ahead either way, because when I do, all I see is that I have to turn the page on my (very awesome Where's Waldo) calendar THREE TIMES before I get to the big box that says "PAUL'S HOME." And then my stomach starts knotting up and my head gets all woozy. So, I try to stay right here in the present, taking it one day at a time. I live for nap times and bed times. All day I am saying to myself, 'just make it to naptime,' or 'just make it to bedtime.' I suppose if that's what I have to do, then I will buckle down and do it.

One of the aspects that is the hardest for me right now is Alex. She is still a few weeks (!!!) shy of being 2, but she has started her 'terrible twos' early. She is testing every boundary, pushing every button, climbing every piece of furniture (and as of this morning, her brother! riding him like a horse!). And she does it all with a smile on her face (although, if I am being honest, I believe the way I explained it to my mother was a 'shit-eating grin'. It's the kind of smile that makes your insides curl). All I can do is just fight the temptation to lock her in her room and wonder where, oh where, my adorable little Alex went. Because this? This is not my daughter. Some thing has come and taken root in her body. She wakes up at 6 in the morning demanding to watch a show (like we've done that before), or starts yelling because she wants to play with my camera (which she has never been allowed to touch, so I am not sure why she is feeling entitled now). And if I don't give in (which I don't), she literally THROWS herself on the floor, and stomps and hits, and screams, and wails, and kicks. And if I move to another room? She'll get up and follow me and then do it all over again. Eli is much better at handling it than I am. He just sits and stares at her with a very curious look on his face, like he is trying to figure out what it is that mommy did that was so horrible to cause this. Because of this, nap time has been hit or miss. The other day she refused to go down, even though she couldn't stop yawning and couldn't keep her eyes open. I pulled out the big guns and put in a Baby Einstein movie. I looked over about 5 minutes later and she was doing that head-bob that is so common on airplanes as people try to sleep sitting up. I laid her down and she took a nap in someplace other than her bed for the first time in her life. I couldn't believe it.


She looks so peaceful, no? Hard to believe the turn we've taken, but I've heard that it ends eventually, and they return to their normal selves. I'm ready for that now, please.