Journey

I'm almost 28.  On July 9, nothing extraordinary will happen.  The stars will not realign.  The earth will not shift.  The birds will not sing any other song than the one they holler every morning.  But I will be a day older, and that day happens to begin a new year in my life.  28.  I think I've been telling people I was 28 for about two years now, which may explain why I am not particularly excited by my birthday anymore.  Who has time to keep track of these things?

But also I think it's something else.  I think the last year or two of my life has set me on a journey, and I believe that that journey has an end point in mind.  I think there is specific growth happening, growth that is preparing me for whatever the years I have left are going to bring.  I think that everything from the people I've met to the books that I've read to the cupcakes that I have made have been steering me (maybe sometimes shoving me) to something.  Something that is happening... tomorrow?  Next year?  When I turn 50?  On my death bed, which hopefully is quite a few years from now?  I don't know.  But something is there, looming in my future.  And I know only one thing.  That something has absolutely postively nothing to do with me.  So, turning a year older?  Not that big of deal.

Did you know that I am not the center of the earth?  That the sun does not rise so I can be grumpy about being up too early?  That the rain does not fall in order to ruin my plans?  That people everywhere do not plan their life according to what I post on facebook?  *gasp*  I know.  I'll give you a minute.  Gather yourself.

It's like I have been living my life for these first almosttwenty-eight years with my head down, staring at my feet, walking forward and wondering why I keep running into things.  Now, I'm not a selfish person.  I don't think.  I like to believe that I give freely and that I can be depended upon.  But I think it's human nature to run around, even passively, wondering why it is that things keep getting in your way.  Why things just don't work out for you.  And I think it's shocking for people when they look up and see that there are others running around wondering the exact same thing.  It's easy to get lost in yourself, in your life plans, in your job, in your day, in you.  And I think it's easy to be so lost that you don't realize you are doing it.  I'm sure there are some reading this and thinking "She is so right!  I can't stand those people!"  But honestly, I think it's the majority. 

That's why it's so shocking to meet someone with their head up, looking around, searching for people in need and attending to them, forgetting themselves.  It makes your head snap up, your fog clear, even for the briefest of moments.  And then you hope and pray that you can have the strength to keep your head up too.  Because in those first moments, it's hard.  It strains your neck, having to use the muscles from keeping your head from drooping.  It hurts to look all around you and see the masses of people that are in so much pain that your heart doubles in weight just from glancing them for the briefest of moments.  It's makes your brain swim to take in just how big this world is, and just how little of it has to do with you.

I had the pleasure of meeting one of those people recently, and I hope and pray to God that the change has been permanent.  Because this world is too big, and this life is too short, to spend the whole time looking at your own feet.

Calorie Burning is Calorie Burning... right?

Why is it when you set a goal for yourself, everything around you seems to topple over into your path, making the road that has been nice and straight and clear now congested and dangerous to travel?  Why is it when I'm not training for any run in particular, I can run and be fine and up my mileage (when my laziness doesn't get in the way), but as soon as I set a goal, say maybe a half marathon, my hamstring is all, you wanna waaaaaa? and pulls itself all out of whack?  Life is crazy.

My sidelined leg has me doing lots of thinking on what I can do to keep my body moving and improving while I can't run.  I do work out DVD's (p90x and Jillian Michael's 30 day shred [I really dislike her sometimes]), but those get boring.  Walking is good, but that gets boring.  I would love to do some kind of sport, like volleyball or racquetball, but finding the time as well as the other players is difficult.  I play with the kids, but I would also like something that doesn't have as much potential to swirl down into crisis mode at the drop of a hat. 

Do you know what I like?  What I was doing for quite a while but had to stop because of our vacation to the States?  What I am most certainly going to rejoin as soon as I can?

P...p....p.....  pole-dancing.

Ha.

That's right.  I said it.  Dancing that is done on a pole.  A pooooooole.  On which you dance.

If you know me in the flesh you are probably scratching your head at this.  I mean... remember this?  That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to hop on a pole.  But it totally is.

I was introduced to it through a friend of a friend, who was having a birthday party at a small studio that is literally in someones backyard.  It only has 3 poles, and the party was more of what you expected when you think Pole Dancing.  There were flashy lights, and Sexy Faces were strongly encouraged.  I was there, in my big t-shirt and long pants (25 pounds heavier than I am now), a little shy of this big metal thing that I was supposed to swing around.  Near the end of the party, they mentioned they did 6 week courses, where you begin in level one and move your way up the ladder (or...er... pole) at your own pace.  I was intrigued.  I did have a lot of fun at the party... but to do this weekly?  Eesh.

But with a few friends, I signed up and decided to just do it.  This blip of a life is too short to just refuse to try things.  So I show up for my first class in my pants and t-shirt, only to find out that I am way overdressed.  That won't swing this time.  This time I am supposed to be able to actually use the pole and to do that, it needs skin contact.  Next time I came prepared in shorts and a tank-top.  And I still could hardly do anything.  Did you know it's actually quite hard to get your big butt on that thing?  The class was not like the party.  The lights were turned on, we did a warm-up, we worked our butts off.  These girls were serious.  And I was intimidated.  Because I couldn't do a darn thing.

But that's exactly why I wanted to bring this class up on here.  Because, 3-4 months in, the differences were amazing.  I have not done any other kind of sport in which you see your improvement so dramatically.  My first attempt to climb up the pole was laughable, ending up in a prolonged squeeeeeeeeeee as I sadly slid down onto the floor.  But by the end, I was getting all the way up and doing moves that used only your upper body strength to keep you from crashing to the ground.  And it was so, much, fun. 

The class was small, only 6 girls, and while I was one of the bigger ones, I received nothing but encouragement, and I felt that everyone was just as excited as I was when I finally reached the top (because it did take a while).  I have never had this strong of an upper body, even when I was involved in three different sports a year in high school.  And because of the logistics of pole-dancing, I was able to see that, while my body was big, it was capable.  It was able.  I could do this.  The moves I had the hardest time with were the ones that I went into them thinking that there is no way I am going to be able to do that with my leg while holding on with just my pinkie! Well, maybe I'm exaggerating, but there were some silly moves!  But in order to do any of them, I needed to step out of my head, encourage myself, and just go for it.  And you know what?  Sometimes all that accomplished was me hitting the floor really hard (I had some magnificent bruises!).  But then I just tried again.  And again.  And again.  And each time there would be improvement.  Sometimes it took quite a few sessions to get it down, but it happened.  And there is nothing better than doing something that, at the beginning, seemed impossible.  Whether it be climbing up a pole, or running a 5k, or finishing college, or deciding to just be ok with yourself exactly how you are.  There are so many goals that we all set for ourselves, and so many fall by the wayside because we get into our own heads and decide that it cannot be done.  So we fail before we even take the first step.

I've found through most things that if you can get past the first step, the next one will be easier, and the one after that will come a little more naturally.  It's that first step, the one into unknown territory, the one that send us into a place where we might fail, where we might uncover some weakness... that step is scary.  It's so scary.  But the fear from going in head first, then the exhilaration that fills you when you survive... that will keep you going.  And success may be one day away, it may be one year away, it may be ten years away, or it may be just out of your grasp even up until the end... But really... when you think about it,  I wasn't excited that I was sitting at the top of the pole (that actually hurts quite a bit, holding yourself up there!).  I was excited because I took that journey.  I was excited because the bruises were worth it.  I was excited because I was able to set a new goal. 

So go ahead, take the first step.  Take the leap, take the plunge... whatever you want to call it.  You may fall flat on your face.  And that's ok.  It will be an awesome story to tell.  Log it, look at what didn't work, and keep going.  Live your life.

Mirror Mirror.

I think one of the most eye-opening things that I have learned in the last few years is that if I have a problem in one area of my life, I can usually look to every other area and see the reflection of my problem staring back at me.  And while this can be problematic, making the problem appear to be much bigger than it actually is, it's also quite helpful.  It allows you to tackle the problem from so many different avenues that it doesn't take a lot of energy to come up with a game plan.  As long as you know what problem you are actually dealing with.

We can see this in smaller scales when it comes to our everyday interactions with people.  When I have had my pride bruised, I lash out at my husband.  When I am stressed with housework, I'm short with the kids.  But what about our Big Life Problems?  What happens when they permeate our lives, creeping into the crevices of our day-to-day's in such a way that we don't even know they are there?  Sometimes, it's obvious.  A woman loses her husband and sinks into a depression.  It affects her appetite, her relationships, her spiritual life.  Everything.  But sometimes, it's silent.  Sometimes, it's not a wrecking ball, but a single chip in a windshield, and before you know it, your entire world is cracked and you aren't even sure where it started.

A woman has a child and feels like she can maybe do this motherhood thing, but there is also a chance that she could royally screw it up.  In fact, the odds are against her.  She is still a child herself.  Then suddenly she has two children and feels completely overwhelmed.  Her husband deploys and she is proven right; she can't do it.  Then she moves to England where she meets Really Great Moms, and because comparison is dirty thief, it robs her of a little more of her backbone.  She was right.  She can't do it.  Then suddenly she looks down and sees herself.  She can't even take care of herself, how can she be expected to take care of children.  She is still a child herself.

Is that where the chip started?

A girl goes off to college and she has no idea what to do with it.  People ask her what she wants to major in; she has no plans.  She is still a child, how can she decide that?  Four years go by and she chooses a path.  Is this the right one?  How can she tell, when she is still a child?  She graduates, and now she can Be Something.  She marries the man who stole her heart.  The Man.  What does he see in her, this child that he chose?  How can he see anything all when she can see nothing worth displaying?

Is that where the chip started?

A child. A child.

A child goes through life, always looking to her peers and thinking, I shouldn't be here.  I'm not ready for this.

Where did the damn chip start?

I have a certain insecurity.  I honestly don't know where it comes from or where it started.  But in the last year I've seen its footprints everywhere.  I've seen it in my parenting.  I've seen it in the relationship with my husband.  I've seen it in my relationship with food.  I've seen it in my spiritual life.  It's everywhere.  So how do you deal with something that big?  How do you solve a problem when the problem is all you see?

One step at a time.  One decision at a time.  One change at a time.

It can be overwhelming when you locate an underlying issue like that.  It poisons everything, it reflects on everything.  But as you start changing, as you start weeding, as you start healing, a little bit at a time, those good changes start reflecting too.  They start seeping into other aspects of your life as well.  They don't push the problem out; that crack will be there until you heal it.  But it makes it manageable.

The most important thing is finding it.  When you know it's there, everything is much less confusing.  You can make a game plan.  You can deal.

My game plan was to take control, take ownership.  This is my life, this is my body.  No one is responsible for me anymore except for me.  It's time to grow up.  Eventually, I will look into where my insecurities come from, but right now it's enough for me to know that they are there and that I can do something about them.  I can heal the cracks, one at a time, in the order of my choosing, and in the process gain a greater understanding of who it is I am meant to be during this brief life of mine.  Because the girl being dragged on the ground by life, beaten and sore from resisting, always looking back, that's not what this life is supposed to look like.  And as the cracks are healed, it gets easier and easier to see that.

Beard.

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