A Shifting Heart

It appears that my heart does not know what to make of an empty house once blessed bedtime rolls around and kids are "quietly" tucked away "for the evening". I am beginning to feel strangely accustomed to the quiet house and the nights to myself, but at the same time, I continue to get restless after 8 pm, and I still consider this part of the day to be the hardest. It's odd not having Paul around to talk with. I miss the simple contact that a close loved one brings: the gentle touches, the hand-holding. I get close contact with the kids, obviously, but it's not the same. I miss hugs.

However, I find that this separation has brought more good things than bad so far. And I am so happy and relieved that I can say that. Though I miss Paul terribly, sometimes to the point where I find myself wallowing in a very impressive pity-party indeed, I've had so much time to think and reevaluate the person that I am outside of Paul. The lines have become blurred between our own identities and our identity as a couple (at least for me they have), which is not necessarily a bad thing, but can leave you in an awkward position when part of your assumed identity moves 9 time zones away.

I have a verse that I believe was put in my path for a reason now taped on my wall in my dining room, where I would see it the most. I came across it in a book that I had ordered for Paul that, despite having paid for expedited shipping, came a few days after he left. I meant to send it to him straight-away, but started reading instead. It's a book that recounts the stories of individuals in the military that have experienced God in outstanding ways. A few of these stories are from wives of military men. One such author recounted a verse that had helped her through some hard transitions:

"She is clothed in strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come."

-Proverbs 31:25

That verse can be likened to a divine slap in the face. I quickly sat down and wrote it on a piece of paper and fastened it to the wall where I knew I would see it the most. There have been several moments where I could feel the stress start to boil over where that verse would catch my eye and calm the storm. I've joined a Bible study (that offers FREE CHILDCARE. Did you just have a heartattack when you read that? If not, than you don't understand JUST HOW AMAZING THAT IS) that is studying the book of Romans. I've pulled out my Bible, which was shamefully dusty due to lack of use, and started to delve my way through it once more. My Greek textbooks have been taken off of the shelves and put to some use. I'm using parts of my brain that havn't been touched in YEARS. And my heart is responding readily, hungrily.

I know where my strength is coming from. It is not with a blind eye that I feel myself growing, becoming stronger mentally, spiritually, and yes, physically. I know my Good Lord has come into this house to fill the emptyness, and in doing so has blown the roof off of my heart.